When a tragedy occurs, talking to children about what has happened can help them cope and feel secure.When a tragedy occurs — be it a natural disaster, mass shooting, the death of a loved one or when another traumatic event fills newscasts — children often have many questions.
Parents may struggle with what to say and how to appropriately answer their child’s questions, which is understandable. What is important, however, is that adults talk to children about what happened to help them process, cope and make sense of the information they have heard or images they may have seen.
Candice Dye, M.D., pediatrician in the University of Alabama at Birmingham Pediatric Primary Care Clinic, explains how to initiate and frame challenging conversations with children.
Start the conversation
Dye encourages parents to initiate the conversation about the tough topic at hand with children, and ask them what they know and how it makes them feel.
By doing so, you are able to gauge what they understand and what they may have heard or seen, and can then guide the conversation about what happened in a way that is tailored to their developmental understanding. That helps you as an adult know how much information to provide.
For parents who are worried about saying the right thing, Dye reassures that it is OK, even if you do not always choose the perfect words.
“As a parent, you do the best that you can, and sometimes you don’t need a lot of details. Often we as adults don’t understand why something happened, and it’s a good opportunity to ask your child what they understand and know,” Dye said.
“I was talking to my own daughter about tragic news recently and used it as an opportunity to say that there are some mean, awful people in the world. I want her to know that she is always safe and somebody will always be there, but also to know what to do if she is ever in a compromising situation. Parents can use challenging topics to have proactive conversations about safety and how to respond if something similar happens to them.”
Dye explains that some children really want to talk about their feelings and others do not — both are perfectly normal responses. However, parents need to continue to explain to their children that they are always available to talk with. Also, encourage them to confide in another trusted adult, like a teacher, about how they feel if and when they are ready.
Do not sugarcoat or soften the facts
When details about a death or incident are tough, parents instinctively may want to sugarcoat or soften the facts. Dye cautions to be candid with your child.
“Don’t lie to your child. I don’t think you have to soften information, but you don’t always have to go into every single detail — just be age- and developmentally appropriate,” Dye shared. “In recognizing what your children can understand, it’s important to not sugarcoat the information at hand or make up something. For instance, if the passing of another child is in the news, don’t say that ‘she went to sleep’ or that ‘she is lost from home,’ as that may invoke new fear in your child about going to sleep or being separated from a family member.”
Dye also stresses that it is key for parents to listen closely and answer their child’s specific question. She recommends that parents:
- Answer questions truthfully
- Share what they think is contextually important for their child to know
- Use as an opportunity to explain what they want them to learn from the situation
- Explain how to apply lessons to their own lives and experiences
Reassure their feelings, safety
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“It is key to let children know they are not wrong or in trouble for feeling scared or sad, but it is our job as parents to provide comfort and safety for them. Let that child know they can always come to you for anything, that you are their safe person and that you will always do everything you can to keep them safe and loved. They want and need to know that they are safe.” |
While every child responds to tragedy differently, most may experience fear and sadness. Reassure them that no emotions are wrong, Dye says.
“We all have emotions, and it’s OK for kids to express that and for it to be a normal part of their response. Let them know that they can always come to you with anything, because you really want to keep that line of communication open,” Dye said. “It’s OK for you as the parent to share your feelings, too.
“It’s key to let children know that they are not wrong or in trouble for feeling scared or sad, but it’s our job as parents to provide comfort and safety for them. Let that child know they can always come to you for anything. Tell them you are their safe person, and that you will always do everything you can to keep them safe and loved. They want and need to know that they are safe.”
Use as a learning opportunity
When unfortunate incidents occur, Dye recommends that parents take an opportunity to teach their children how to apply new information moving forward.
“With my own child, I said ‘what would you do if somebody you didn’t know tried to get you to go with them?’ I then could see what her level of response and understanding was and progressed the conversation from there,” Dye said. “That’s a great way for parents to provide a learning lesson and instill confidence and safety in their child.”
For instance, if there is a child abduction, parents can tell their children exactly how they would want them to behave if ever they found themselves in a scary situation.
“Teach them that they need to yell for help and protect themselves by kicking and screaming in those situations — that’s very important,” Dye said. “While normally we wouldn’t advocate that type of behavior, it’s a good way to differentiate that those are the right things to do if they are in danger.”
Know your child
Parents know best their own child’s typical behavior, so Dye notes that parents should keep a close eye out to ensure that their children are coping in ways normal to them.
“Know your child and if their response to any tough news is appropriate for how they normally respond. If their behavior is overly exaggerated, is it because the news is so terrible? That may be totally appropriate then. If there’s an escalated event, is their reaction in line with what you expect from them?” Dye shared.
She urges parents to seek the help of a pediatrician if their child’s behavior continues for a long time, if they do not seem to get over the situation after a reasonable time frame, or there are other things of concern that worry or cause alarm that your child is not settling back to their normal self.