Medical school can be difficult, and requires a solid support system in order to succeed. These systems may look like parents, siblings, fellow classmates, but for some, they bring with them the ultimate support system: a spouse! We interviewed several medical students who are married about how their life as student and as a spouse looks, and how it adds a unique layer of friendship and diversity to our UABSOM community.

Question: Tell us about yourselves. How long have you been married? How did you meet your spouse? Do you have any children?

Edward BryantAlana Nichols, MS1: Brandon and I were married for 5 years before I started medical school.  We met during law school; he went to law school in Florida and I went to law school in Georgia but we both served on the Executive Board of the Southern Region of National Black Law Students Association and met at a conference in Columbia, South Carolina.

After trying for two years, literally the month we stopped trying, we got pregnant.  I found out the night after my UABSOM interview.  Then, we found out we were having triplets and after miscarrying one, we had two sweet baby girls 5 weeks before orientation started.

Clint Kilcrease, MS1: Married 2 weeks before school started. Met my wife in high school. No kids, yet.

Carson Klein, MS1: We were married for a little over a month before I started medical school. We met in college at the University of Alabama, marching in the Million Dollar Band. No kids.

Edward Bryant, MS1: We married during med school. Met in college. No children.

Question:  What unique challenges or experiences have you and your spouse had since starting medical school?

Alana NicholsAN: See above.  But seriously, while my situation is very unique, there are some themes I think everyone could benefit from.  You have to have the full support of your spouse.  It's always easier to discuss the support you need, but it is a completely different story in practice.  I would not have made it this far without Brandon, but we have had to sacrifice a lot.  While I am studying for medical school, he is studying for the Alabama bar.  From trying to solidify employment to trying to find daycare and dealing with preemie babies, we have had a host of unique experiences that we were able to get through as a team.

Clint K: I think the toughest part for me was learning to be a "real grown up" for the first time and adjusting to medical school at the same time. For example, I had to make a budget and stick to it for the first time, worry about what's for dinner and what chores need to be done around the house, going to the bank, paying bills, trying to get the washing machine fixed, etc.— all while trying to keep my head above water in school. All of the major milestones in my life happened at one time. I graduated college, moved out, moved cities, got married, and started medical school all within a very short time, so life kind of happened fast for a while.

But it's not all bad. I've heard people comment that they can't understand how people are married in medical school. I honestly don't see how I could survive medical school without being married. Marriage is a partnership, so it's like we are doing this together. I always have somebody to vent to, somebody to calm me down, somebody to come home to after a bad day, and not to mention someone to practice history taking / physical exams on whenever I need!

Carson K: Coming into medical school I knew I would have to rely on my husband a lot for emotional support, but it was even harder for us than anticipated because of some outside circumstances. Two weeks before I started, one of my husband's good friends passed away, and one week after that, another one of our absolute best friends passed away unexpectedly. This added an extra burden on us as far as figuring out how to emotionally support each other through these times, in addition to the stress of him working a full time job and me starting medical school.

EB: I think the med student in the relationship needs to be aware that you are really, really, really boring. You can only talk about what you have been doing with your time, and if you have spent the past 3 days memorizing different types of restrictive lung disease, then you are going to be dull as dish soap. This is also true if you only talk about school, assignments, stress etc. The med student needs to make a conscious effort to connect with their spouse in a way that is good for both of you and not just a whining session for the student. This may take some extra effort on the student's part because they may be tired after a long day and not feel like it but it will pay off in the long run.

Clint Kilcrease The med student is going to be busier than the non-student. As such, the med student needs to make a special effort to make time for his or her significant other. Also, the SO might have to take the lion’s share of the house work. Try to be open and communicative about each other’s feelings and needs as this will avoid any feelings of resentment.

I highly recommend the book "How to Make Love Last" or anything by John Gottman. He is a leading psychologist in the field of relationship satisfaction and therapy. He has created a model that can predict the likelihood of 10 year divorce rate with 90 percent accuracy based on a single conversation between partners and physiologic data.

3) Any advice for incoming married students?

AN: If you don't have children, encourage your spouse to meet other spouses who are going through the same thing or at least make some friends, somewhere.  Medical students have to be selfish.  You will probably feel bad about it, but it has to be done.  Be honest about how rough it is going to be, because there will be rough moments.  Have open and honest dialogue.  Realize that you may not be able to have the same social life that your single, childless classmates have.  But most importantly, make it a priority to make time for your family.  This is a must— it will remind you who and what you are doing this for, it will be something to look forward to and it will show your spouse and/or kids that you do appreciate them.  And if you try all of this and it still doesn't work, call me, I am always looking for a distraction from my never-ending to-do list.

Carson KleinClint K: Make a study schedule that works for you and stick to it. Set time aside to study, and time aside to spend with your spouse. My wife works 7- 3. So, I try to do most of my studying between those hours and after she goes to bed, with the extra few hours being "our time". This doesn't always work out, but it’s better when we stick to it. Of course, my schedule might not work for everybody, and that's fine. But find something that works for you, and stick to it. And try to make sure you don't study all the time. Study hard when it's "study time,” and relax when it's not. Also set time aside to do things around the house. It can be tempting for you to think you shouldn't have to do so much around the house because studying is your work and your work is literally never over, and it can be tempting for your spouse to think you should do more than them because you're home so much more than they are (even if you are studying). With that being said, establish what "chores" are your responsibility early on, and always hold up your end. This seems common sense, but it could have made some of my days smoother.

Carson K: The best advice I can give is recognizing your priorities for that relationship and being adamant about keeping those priorities. Most of my friends are single and will spend 12+ hours away from their home in Volker, studying. For me, coming home to my husband and eating dinner with him is something I decided from the beginning was important, and I have made it a priority ever since. Honestly, making that sacrifice can hurt my grades at times. I simply do not put in the same amount of time that other people do as far as school goes, but I don't really want to. It is more important for me to spend time with my husband and have that relaxing evening than making five points higher on a test. That's just me though - each person has to decide what's important to them. So have that conversation with your spouse, be honest with yourself, and make your relationship and emotional health a priority in your daily life - whatever that may look like for you.

EB:  Honestly, having a spouse is awesome if you are the medical student. You have someone who is there for you emotionally, who can help out with housework shopping and cooking when you get overwhelmed, and you have someone to bring you out of the medical bubble and keep you grounded in the real world. It is much harder for your spouse because they only get half a partner since so much of your time is sucked up in school. Your partner is letting you be a self-absorbed student because they love you and want a good future together. The student should make an extra effort to stay connected with their partner, appreciate their partner and do as much as possible to return the favor they are giving you.

If you are an incoming married medical student, or a student in a long term relationship, please check out the UABSOM significant others Facebook group to connect with others and their spouses!  


Written by Callie Perkins