The holiday season, a time typically filled with joy and togetherness, can be especially challenging for those grieving the loss of a loved one. The holidays can feel like a dreadful reminder of a person or animal’s absence.
“While others celebrate with families and friends, those grieving may be left isolated and alone in moments of sadness or loss,” said Rebecca Rampe, PsyD, assistant professor and clinical psychologist in the UAB Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Neurobiology. “During these celebrations, some bereaved individuals may feel pressured to put on a façade of happiness while struggling with the weight of grief alone.”
Karen Marks, MSW, LICSW, PIP, a psychotherapist and clinical social worker in the same department, explains, “The holiday season can be especially difficult because the people we celebrate with are often those we have the deepest connections to. These close attachments shape how we experience grief, making the holidays particularly challenging for those mourning.”
Marks and Rampe provide insights and strategies for navigating grief during the holiday season.
Navigating symptoms of grief
Grief can manifest in different ways, shaped by individual and cultural experiences.
“Often, people may feel shock, numbness, anger, guilt, sadness, anxiety, and more, with these emotions varying from day to day or even moment to moment,” Rampe explained.
“All emotions deserve acknowledgment to experience and express,” she emphasized, highlighting the importance of honoring our emotions. She noted that grief can also impact cognitive functions: “Cognitively, people may get confused, have difficulty focusing attention, and feel ‘foggy’ mentally.”
The physical toll of grief can include disrupted sleep, digestive issues, loss of appetite, muscle tension, nausea, and heart palpitations. Rampe explained that while some symptoms may ease over time, this requires an intentional effort to listen to and learn from these signals.
“We will never truly ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one,” said Rampe, acknowledging that grief often resurfaces in new ways. “This requires ongoing space and compassion for the grieving process, especially during the holiday season.”
Navigating these symptoms serves as a reminder to slow down, care for ourselves, and reengage with the world at a pace that honors the healing journey.
Understanding categories of grief
Grief is a deeply personal and multifaceted experience influenced by the nature of the loss and the individual’s capacity to cope. Some types of grief can be particularly difficult to process, making the grieving journey more complex.
“There are different types of grief, which perhaps result in a more difficult grief experience,” Marks said. “I would acknowledge disenfranchised grief and complicated grief are particularly challenging to navigate, as they place greater stress on an individual’s natural coping mechanisms.”
Disenfranchised grief
Disenfranchised grief occurs when the loss is not openly acknowledged, socially supported, or publicly mourned, leaving individuals to grieve in isolation without the validation or support they might otherwise receive.
"Miscarriage is one example. It's easy to understand the mourning that comes when someone loses a child, but pregnancy loss feels harder to describe or even acknowledge,” Marks explained. “Disenfranchised grief often catches people by surprise—it’s difficult to put into words. Other examples include loss from suicide, losing a pet, a divorce, or even the death of a former abuser."
Complicated grief
Complicated grief, on the other hand, is a prolonged and intense form of grief that significantly impairs an individual’s ability to function. Unlike typical grief, which tends to gradually lessen over time, complicated grief can persist for months or even years, leaving the bereaved feeling stuck and unable to move forward.
“These types of grief often demand additional support and resources to work through, as they place a heavier emotional and mental strain on those affected,” Marks said, emphasizing the importance of recognizing and addressing these unique challenges.
Traumatic grief
Grief and traumatic grief represent two distinct experiences, each with its own challenges and implications.
However, Rampe explained that traumatic grief is a more severe and debilitating experience. “Traumatic grief can include events such as violent deaths, the death of a child at any age for a parent or caregiver, untimely or sudden deaths, deaths following prolonged suffering, and multiple cumulative losses,” she stated.
She further described the unique characteristics of traumatic grief, noting that it is often marked by persistent, intrusive thoughts about the traumatic event, significant disruptions in daily life, and symptoms resembling PTSD.
“These factors make it far more challenging to cope with and integrate the loss into one’s life compared to other forms of grief,” Rampe explained. "If you are experiencing any of the three types of grief listed—disenfranchised, complicated, or traumatic grief—it is important to reach out to your healthcare providers for more information, assistance, and support."
Coping strategies during the holidays
Grieving during the holiday season can be especially challenging, but some strategies can help individuals navigate their emotions and honor their loved ones. Rampe suggests several approaches to support oneself during the holiday season and beyond.
"First, express your needs to loved ones," Rampe advised. "If you’d like to talk about your loved one during holiday gatherings, let your family and friends know. Setting this expectation in advance helps others understand how to support you and prevents hurt feelings."
Rampe encouraged reflecting on how to honor your loved one, asking questions such as, "Would you like a moment of silence? Share favorite memories? Engage in their favorite activities?"
She suggested creating new rituals, like lighting a candle, cooking their favorite dish, or donating to a charity they cared about to provide an intentional space for grief with loved ones. Rampe refers to this as going on "offense" with grief, actively engaging with the memories and love for the person or animal who has passed.
She also emphasized seeking support: "Consider joining support groups or connecting with others who are grieving. There are many resources available." Self-care is equally important: "Engage in activities that connect you to your body, nature, and moments of reflection or prayer," she advised. "Nature is often healing and grounding."
Marks added that intentional activities can also provide comfort: "Remembering their seat at the table, cooking their favorite dish, or telling their best stories can help," she said. "Let yourself miss them, and by all means, cry a little." Marks stressed the importance of honoring grief in a way that feels right for you.
Managing grief with 'scheduled grief’
Marks shared a unique method for coping with grief, which she learned from her father’s hospice chaplain, calling it “scheduled grief”. This technique offers a structured way to feel and set boundaries, much like scheduling an appointment, by setting aside a specific time each day to fully experience and express grief.
"Pick a time, say 11 a.m., and set a timer for 15 minutes," she stated. "During this time, lean into the grief—cry, yell, scream, kick a can—just let it all out.” Marks further explained, “Once the timer goes off, you pull yourself together; you can because you do it every day. It might take a few extra minutes at first, but this practice helps to manage overwhelming emotions by giving them a structured outlet.”
Marks also reassured those afraid of crying uncontrollably, saying, "You will cry, but you will stop. This method helps regain some sense of order in the midst of the bewildering experience of loss."
Supporting loved ones who are grieving
When supporting a loved one through grief, it's essential to approach the situation with understanding and compassion. Rampe emphasized the importance of allowing others to feel and express themselves around the loss without the expectation that anyone should be over it.
"We don’t get ‘over’ love; we learn to live with the painful loss in new, ongoing ways," Rampe explained. She also noted that understanding how to support others in grief can be challenging, but there are helpful resources available, such as this UAB Medicine wellness article, in which Rampe provides many tips for navigating this sensitive process.
Marks followed by expressing the importance of being considerate and practicing emotional intelligence, urging others to "Be a Noticer—practice situational awareness." Sometimes, the best way to support someone isn't by directly addressing their grief but through acts of kindness. She recommended noticing practical ways to help, such as bringing food, buying groceries, or offering to handle small tasks, which can provide the grieving person with much-needed respite. "Sitting with someone in silence is invaluable— that’s the power of presence,” she explained.
The guilt of finding joy while grieving
Experiencing joy while navigating guilt can be a challenging aspect of the healing process. Rampe shared a quote by Helen Keller: "What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes part of us."
She explained that grief arises because we loved someone and that love continues alongside the pain of loss. “Many people feel guilty about finding joy and continuing to live after a loss, even though they acknowledge that their loved one would want them to experience happiness,” Rampe explained. “We can both find joy and carry the love for the person or animal who died with us into our experiences.”
Marks acknowledged that experiencing guilt is understandable but ultimately unhelpful. "People worry if their laughter is disrespectful—however, if they were a funny person and you have funny stories, by all means—laugh," she said. She emphasized that while it’s difficult, continuing to live is essential. "The hardest thing is to ‘keep living,’ but it’s the most necessary thing to do."